Finding My Way #2

February 21st I posted about finding my way through Fibro with God’s help. Especially the leading of the hymn “O Love That Will Not Let Me Go.” Before I went to the hospital for diagnosis I occasionally heard things such as, “When you go to the hospital …” What? Who said anything about the hospital? (Later I realized this was reassurance so I would not go into utter panic at the idea.) I also heard “You will know an answer to what is causing this before the chicory blooms.”

One of the delights of early summer are when the chicory blooms blue flowers and the Queen Anne’s Lace starts to put forth white flowers in contrast to the blue. They often grow together along the roadside.

Chicory, Queen Anne’s Lace and Red Clover

How like the Lord to comfort my heart with something that He knew I would recognize and delight in! He was true to His word and we did have a diagnosis before the full bloom of those flowers. The flowers were lovely. The understanding of what it meant to have fibro, not so much.

In Acts 10:34 and Romans 2:11 Peter and then Paul assure us that God is no respecter of persons. He shows no favoritism or special treatment. Since the Lord was able to lead me through that time of fear and not knowing what was happening, I am certain you can be lead by His Spirit also. Still your heart and mind. Try every day to listen for that still small voice of comfort and guidance. Whether you have a chronic illness or not, God wants to speak with you. He desires your attention and presence.

When unexpected things such as hospitalization come your way, try to remember you are never alone and God wants us to do as Mary Englebreit illustrated:

The Topic of Stillness

There is another song that has greatly encouraged me to more stillness. No, not silliness, stillness.

As you read the lyrics you will understand why I am so moved by this.

The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I’m alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that’s when You come
Sing over me

[Chorus]
Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I’m so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still

Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it’s beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that’s when my heart
Learns to dance with you

[Chorus]

la la la la la. hold me
la la la la la, cleanse me
la la la la la, change me, oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And You’re always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life
Still, still, still, still Songwriters: CHRISTY NOCKELS,NATHAN NOCKELS

ZEPHANIAH 3:17 For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10


The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise. Psalm 51:17

Still My Soul

When I make a personal retreat my main goals are to still my soul and listen to the Lord. Stilling my soul can take hours or days. Listening to the Lord is something I try to do with consistency, but that stilling the soul part is much harder!

Some time around 1988 I found Psalm 131 set to music by John Michael Talbot on a vinyl album called “Come to the Quiet.” The entire album is Scripture set to music with a few original lines added in. I wore it out and bought another one. Made tape copies to listen to in the car. Eventually bought the CD. Singing Scripture is a wonderful way to memorize it. “In the quiet I have stilled my soul like a child at rest” a much more challenging task! The photo is the upper left corner below is John Michael now. The larger photo on the music cover was years ago.

I am still moved to quiet when I hear this music.You can hear it now on Google music and is still available for purchase. There is also an instrumental version. We play that version every time we drive through the Smoky Mountains on our way to look for wildflowers at our favorite sites.

Take time today to still your soul. It will be heavenly good for you!

#3 Fibro Journal Entry

Journal Entry 90-5-19 © Molly Lin Dutina

Notes from a talk: “Just as the women at the well in John 4:5-24, we must confess our helplessness, confess our own need. This leads to fulfillment, self examination, repentance, receiving forgiveness. We can be fulfilled as we find living water.”

I heard, “Molly, you must be willing to walk blindly. Do not look to tomorrow. Live in the NOW in My Presence. Trust Me. I love you. This will be a severe discipline. This will be for your strengthening. You will have more faith and be stronger for having gone through it. STAY VERY CLOSE TO ME. Be enfolded in a cloak of love by the Holy Spirit.”

(This occurred before the diagnosis was actually made.)

My friend, Kathleen, told me to document this illness. It is all happening so fast and I get so very weak. This could be extra hard. HELP, Lord!

Tasting Misery and Joy Fibro #1

How can it be that we can taste these things simultaneously? Don’t they seem mutually exclusive?

Yet in Isaiah 30:18-21 (NRSV) we read,  Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.  Truly, O people in Zion, inhabitants of Jerusalem, you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when he hears it, he will answer you.  Though the Lord may give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself any more, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.  And when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left, your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

The bread of adversity, water of affliction accompanied by clear direction, instruction from the Lord Almighty. When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 1990 I experienced this misery and joy in combination. It was a weird time to say the least!

The doctors had difficulty diagnosing me and finally admitted me to a hospital for tests to rule out the other “big nasties.” For example, it was strange to have results come back from a brain scan that showed there was no brain tumor, and instead of being relieved my husband and I were frustrated and angry. After each test, with no definitive results, we kept thinking if this illness is not that, then what is it?

Fibro is a strange disorder. The diagnosis is basically process of elimination and a few factors that should be present for 3 months prior to diagnosis. I have now lived with Fibro for 29 years. At the time I had never heard of it. Today the Arthritis Foundation says:

“To diagnose fibromyalgia, your doctor will ask you about your health history and give you a physical examination. A physical exam can rule out other conditions that may cause chronic pain and fatigue.

A diagnosis is largely based on your input on the following criteria:

  • Widespread pain index (WPI) score: The WPI lists 19 areas of the body where it’s common for people with fibromyalgia to have pain. You get a point for each area selected.
  • Symptom Severity (SS) score, in which you rank the following symptoms on a scale of 0-3:
    • Fatigue
    • Waking unrefreshed
    • Cognitive symptoms
    • Physical symptoms such as headache, weakness, bowel problems, dizziness, numbness/tingling, hair loss
  • Symptoms present for at least three months
  • No other health problems that would explain the pain and other symptoms.” https://www.arthritis.org/about-arthritis/types/fibromyalgia/diagnosing.php

So while my charismatic friends were telling me if I only prayed hard enough, or had enough faith I would be healed, the Lord was saying “I will be with you in this.” Should I try to pray this away when the Lord is speaking otherwise? Yikes. This is a long story and I hope to tell it well. Probably in several sections. Hope it brings enlightenment and encouragement to many. Not every person gets every symptom. Not all symptoms stay permanently. Sort of like living on a nightmare-go-round with symptoms instead of horses and carnival music.

There are a lot of artwork, posters and diagrams about Fibro online. Many of them sound sarcastic. That is likely caused by the fact that people with fibro do not LOOK ill and are often not believed when they talk about their symptoms. Below is one that is not too offensive, but descriptive.

They spelled stiffness wrong! Must be due to Fibro Fog.

Bur Oak Acorn Cap #2 of 2

LESSONS FROM THE BUR OAK ACORN © 2002 Molly Lin Dutina

Do we find this so surprising, that Jesus would ask us to die to our familiar ways and become something new with His help and guidance? Wasn’t He asked to die on our behalf and take on a new life form by our heavenly Father? Constantly, the Father left the task before Jesus as a choice. Jesus chose to become the firstborn from the dead. (Colossians 1:18) He leads the way for us.

One little acorn speaking to me so loudly about “the site of your tent, the curtains of your habitation, stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.” This acorn calls to you also. Where are you holding back in your life? Who are you hiding your affection from? Those in your immediate family need and want to hear from you. Though you might never have been one to speak in the past, they need to know your heart. They are craving a word from you, an insight into your feelings, and how your actions relate to your emotions. They want to know you, beyond the superficial shell that you present. They are hungry to truly know and understand your deepest self. Those whom God has placed in your daily life are there for a purpose also. Examine the site of your tent. Is there a way you can stretch out the curtain and place of your habitation? (Isaiah 54:2)

Ask the Father for the courage to move forward. Pray He will show you how to lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. Joyce Meier says you are to “deposit yourself with God and let God use you to bless others.”

Isaiah 54 goes on in verses 4 and 5 to say: Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; do not be discouraged, for you will not suffer disgrace; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the disgrace of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called.

Usually the greatest fear in becoming new is that people won’t like us. “People pleasing” quashes the move of God more often than the devil ever attempted. Here the Word assures us that if we will try, God will come alongside and help us to do what we could not do in our own strength. We “will NOT BE ASHAMED.” Powerful promise there; but first, we have to try.

Can we truly begin to comprehend the magnitude of “your Maker is your Husband?” That is an intimacy few of us reach in this lifetime, and here it is offered in the Old Testament. Now through the New Covenant we have the indwelling Holy Spirit to make this promise a reality. The hard little cap of humanity can hold back the power of God that rests within each true believer. We are allowed to resist the power of the Holy Spirit and refuse Almighty God.

When we choose to put aside the cap like the one on the Bur Acorn, our lives can feed the hungry multitudes. Remember acorns used to be valuable to people as a food source. The Internet yielded information on how to make them palatable today. “Native Americans made acorns much more palatable by first blanching the oak nuts (in boiling water) with wood ashes to remove a bitter taste associated with tannins.” The method involves boiling in water with ashes to leach away the tannins and make the nut meal sweeter.

You cannot receive what your Husband has for you as long as you are clutching your unfulfilled dreams in both hands. Take the ashes of your unfulfilled dreams and offer them to God. Open your hands to Him. As Christians, we also need to be cleansed with water. Water is mentioned 79 times in 70 verses in the New Testament. Jesus promised that He would give us living water.

Another set of instructions for the acorns says they need to be boiled or roasted or both to make them palatable. We are told in Scripture that we may have to go through fire. I have always thought that perhaps like Reynolds Wrap, we go through fire so that we are ‘oven tempered for flexible strength.’

The OLD box had the old logo!

Hebrews 12: 28-29 says “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our ‘God is a consuming fire’”

To use acorns as food we are to “collect the acorns in the fall, when ripe. Remove shells and caps. The shells will come off easier if you first slit with a sharp knife.” OUCH! That sounds an awful lot like death of the seed.

Crucifixion. To offer myself according to Romans 12:1-2 I must conform to the Word of God. Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–His good, pleasing and perfect will. It seems that nothing will do short of that sharp knife and taking off that shell.

So that Bur Acorn led me to ponder. And then to pray. To look up Scripture and pray some more. To begin to risk moving out of where I was comfortable and risk giving parts of my life to others. I have not been ashamed! I am getting to know my Maker a little better as my Husband. In addition, my husband concurs that this is a good thing!

The preparation directions continue saying that “after boiling you may toast the acorns in a 350 degree oven for another hour. They can then be eaten as they are or ground into a flour.” Some people seem to get a harder Christian walk than others do. Looking at the comparative value of acorns as nuts to be eaten or acorns as ground into flour, I can see momentarily the sense in that harder walk. Flour can be used for many more products than nuts can. Of course, the Father will produce breads, cakes, pies, gravy thickeners, coatings for all sorts of products, an endless variety of things with flour. Nuts though have a limited use. Be encouraged if your walk is one where the grinding into flour seems to be the norm. Your flour will go further to spread the kingdom than the acorn that never let its shell be opened. Your flour will go further than the roasted nut that was simply eaten as a snack food.

God knows the plans He has for you, as stated in Jeremiah 29:11-14a “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to You. You will seek me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD.”

Remember how I wrote in Part #1 ” The burr oak, so named because of its characteristic large seeds or acorns, was known as u’tahu can in the Native American tongue of the Lakota people, meaning acorn stem tree.” Now I am amused by my pronunciation of the American Indian name… u’tahu can…. perhaps it is something like “You Twah you can.”

He assured me “You saw you can do this. You saw it through months of prayer and preparation through the Scriptures. You saw it through the Holy Spirit opening your eyes to the Father’s desire. Open your heart in love to those around you. Move beyond the usual limited communications and surface talk.” Get really intimate with God and then with others. Let the nourishment that your life can be help others to grow into something terrific for the Kingdom. You saw you can through this simple illustration. Now will you? Next time you see an acorn, ponder how the cap is fitting that covers your acorn life and your rich innermost being.

Are you ready to strip away the cap and expose and expand that life for the Lord to use? The old saying is still true, “Mighty oaks from little acorns grow.”

Bur Oak Acorn Cap #1 of 2

LESSONS FROM THE BUR OAK ACORN © 2002 Molly Lin Dutina

Often while I am walking prayerfully, my attention will be drawn to something around me. I will pick up the object and continue on my prayer walk. So it was during the mild February of 2002 while I was on retreat and came across a Bur Oak acorn. As I held it in my hand, continuing my walk and praying, I knew it would unfold its mysteries to me in the days or months to come. As I left the retreat grounds, I placed the acorn on the console of my car. For many months it rode right next to me with this scripture ringing out from it’s hard, pointy cover. Over several months I began to hear

“Enlarge the site of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.” ISA 54:2 NRSV

If you are not familiar with the Bur Oak (also at times spelled Burr oak) here is a short history taken from various Internet resources. The tree is tall, fairly slow growing, long-lived, and highly desirable for windbreaks, shelterbelts and ornamental use. It has an impressive crown with a massive trunk and stout branches. The bur oak adapts to various soils where other oaks fail. The tree is tolerant of urban conditions. The bur will bear acorns in about ten years. It has strong wood and is good for timber. The acorn itself is classified as a nut, because of its bony pericarp, and is actually the fruit of the oak tree. Particular to the genus Quercus, the stem broadens to the cupule or cap that holds the oak seed and fruit in place.

The burr oak, so named because of its characteristic large seeds or acorns, was known as u’tahu can in the Native American tongue of the Lakota people, meaning acorn stem tree. More than half of the one-inch acorn is enclosed in a fringed, spiny cupule. Native Americans used them as an important dietary item with great storage capability and mobility. Wildlife, including turkeys, blue jays, squirrels, and deer also utilize acorns as a food source that is rich in carbohydrates and fats. Today we like Bur Oaks for their adaptability to urban conditions. Indians and animals used them for food.

What did God want me to see? I see an acorn with an almost impenetrable cover. Hard and dried and in it’s own way thorny. After months of looking at this Bur acorn, I began to realize that this acorn could be me. I could have my fruit “nearly completely covered by a rough, frilled cap.” Though I may ripen “in early to mid-autumn” the fruit would be unpalatable and inaccessible unless I let others have access to the fruit God has given to me.

There are at least two ways we can view the acorn: as a nut/fruit to eat or as a seed to plant. Animals unwittingly spread the Bur oak trees by burying stashes of the nuts and then forgetting where they put them. These nut-seeds may germinate into new oak trees. Therefore, I have choices here! I can remain one tough acorn, almost completely covered with a hard facade, or I can risk opening and revealing what is within.

Paul made the same challenge to the Corinthians.

“We have spoken frankly to you Corinthians; our heart is wide open to you. There is no restriction in our affections, but only in yours. In return–I speak as to children–open wide your hearts also. ”

2 Corinthians 6:11-13 NRSV

Moreover, the Living Bible makes it a bit clearer:

“Oh, my dear Corinthian friends! I have told you all my feelings; I love you with all my heart. Any coldness still between us is not because of any lack of love on my part, but because your love is too small and does not reach out to me and draw me in. I am talking to you now as if you truly were my very own children. Open your hearts to us! Return our love!”

2 Corinthians 6:11-13 Living Bible

My choice to open or remain closed to my Christian brothers and sisters around me is always my choice: daily, weekly, monthly. The right choice was strongly recommended by our Lord in John 12. He is speaking here about a grain of wheat. An acorn, as the seed is not a far stretch. Thinking of the nut-seed as buried in the ground read John 12.

“I am telling you the truth: If one grain of wheat does not fall into the ground and die, it will always be just one grain of wheat, but if the grain dies, it will produce a large cluster.” And in Simple English “Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. ”

John 12:24-25 NRSV

“Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”

John 12:24 New King James

It seems, through comparison of these three translations, that if I am to open to those around me I must fall into the ground, die to being just a nut seed, and live to becoming a tree plant. Truly a transfiguration! I may choose to remain just an acorn – alone – yet still an acorn. Alternatively, I may choose to move on to the next phase of living that God had in mind when He blew life into my being. Falling into the ground and dying will mean willingly removing my outer impenetrable cover, stripping away my surface persona to become the best that is within me. Hard and dried and in its own way thorny, the familiarity of the husk has become almost more desirable than the risk of the unknown I will face as a growing plant.

The Gardener calls me on. (JN 15:1) ..to be continued …

Relinquishment

In June of 1990 I wrote journal notes about the concept of relinquishment to God. “Lord, You have been working a mighty deed within me. This morning, in brokenness, I asked You as Jacob did, “What do You require of me?”

“I feel Your response has been that I speak to You directly again. When did I stop? I don’t know, but here I am making an effort on this Mac keyboard. I dedicate this machine nad my hands unto You, Lord. I give myself to You, a living sacrifice. Use me Lord. Here me I pray. Have Your own way within me.

“I relinquish the idol of control to You. Help me know before I fall into the control trap. Show me how to avoid the pitfalls of manipulation and deceit. The anguish in my soul demands that this be done. YOU control Lord. You and You alone. I want to stop doing this evil within my family, this house, the marriage … all areas of my being. Have Your own way, Lord.

“Remove the blinders from my eyes, Jesus. Please help me to see Your plan, Your will, and Your goals fro me. Set my feet upon the path of righteousness that I might honor You and obtain the intimacy that keeps me so close that I hear Your heartbeat. I hold Your hand and await Your leadership. I will not try to move until I know where and how You want me to move. Yielded I am.”

Relinquish: to give up or abandon, to stop doing, let go, surrender. We will always find new things we need to relinquish to our God and Father. We seem to be infected with this need to control and grasp ever since the fall in the garden. Thankfully, He never turns us away when we honestly turn to Him for help. Even if the turning is again and again.

But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you. “When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. Matthew 6:6-8 (NRSV)

Did I ever tell you about Rev. Bob, (not my husband, an Episcopal priest). He was married to a psychologist. One Sunday he preached saying “Control is an illusion.” I argued with him all the way home. It took me years to realize he was absolutely correct!

I have found that if I ask for God’s help it comes. If I seek new ways of staying free from control issues, the Holy Spirit is endlessly creative in showing me and teaching me new ways to stay free. It really is true that if we seek, we will find, ask and it shall be given, knock and it shall be opened as long as we are seeking to follow God in righteousness and holiness and using what we are given for HIs glory and to His honor and praise.

Prompts to Prayer

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 (NIV2011)

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV2011)

While running errands, I saw a woman who looked like someone at church. It was not the woman I know, but looked so much like her! I knew who she looked like but could not remember her name. Then I saw another woman, same impression, and knew it was a call to prayer. Saw another woman, same response.

When I realized Sunday morning that I was sitting two rows behind her and to the right, I could see during worship that she was weepy. Still no idea what might be happening. Asked one of the Pastor’s her name. Ah, yes! He knew it first try.

After the service I happened to see her looking a little lost and forlorn all by herself. I told her about the call to prayer for her and asked if she was okay. She teared up immediately. I told her I was sorry and did not mean to make her cry! When she regained her composure, she told me there had been a sudden death in the family that week. A younger man and it came as quite a shock and loss. I told her I would continue to lift her in prayer.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
James 4:10 (NIV2011)

Saw another man at the start of service who recently had shoulder surgery. He no longer had to wear his brace and sling but was rolling his shoulder in obvious discomfort. He greeted me as I was leaving to go volunteer in another part of the building. I asked him how he was feeling and told him I saw him rolling his shoulder. Stiff and uncomfortable was his answer. I asked if he had gone forward for prayer and he gave an answer that always disturbs me, “No. I leave that for people who really need it.” I told him, “Nonsense. We all need prayer.” I asked another prayer team member who was walking by to please pray for his comfort.

What if I had not listened to the clue to pray for the woman, even though I did not know details of her need? Yes, certainly, the Lord could have used someone else. What if I had not greeted her and told her I had been praying? She might not have understood how much the Lord loved her, to place a pray burden for her upon another. Sometimes I see familiar faces. Other times I pass cars on the road that resemble the cars of others. They can each be a call to prayer. What if I had not noticed the man in discomfort? He is so shy that at times I wonder if I am the only person he speaks to at church! Perhaps connecting with the other man in prayer will help him grow into another relationship.

I am no one special. The Holy Spirit moves through those who have given their lives to Christ and ask for His infilling. And then we need to listen and continually look to God for guidance. There are so many need and ways to bless people. Some are as simple as praying for them when they come to mind. If there is an opportunity, letting the person know you were lifting them can be a great encouragement and might even inspire them to pray for others. I tell others, “When you think of me, please pray.” That is based upon my experience over the years of the Lord bringing others to my mind and finding out later how much they needed prayer that day.

Try this out with God. You might find yourself pleasantly surprised at how often He uses you if you yield to the holy promptings.

“Thanksgiving, where it is genuine, does not primarily look at the gift and express appreciation; it looks at the giver and expresses trust.”


A Listening Heart by Brother David Steindl-Rast

Advent Beauty of Holiness

Recently a song began rolling around in my mind and spirit. Had to go look up the lyrics. The Holy Spirit often taps me this way, for His holy attention. This hymn is usually sung with organ and choir. It would be lovely to have someone arrange a contemporary version using the same lyrics! What follows is verse 1 of 5.

O worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness;
bow down before Him, His glory proclaim;
with gold of obedience, and incense of lowliness,
kneel and adore Him: the Lord is His name.  Text by J. S. B Monsell (1811 – 1875

 

Relinquish my own needs and feelings.

Bow down before Him, (not often in contemporary church).

His glory proclaim, I often do this.

My gifts to Him Advent and Christmas, gold of obedience and incense of lowliness. Over and over this has been the theme: gold of obedience and incense of lowliness.

Kneel and adore Him, more than ever, my Lord. My knees are not like when I was younger, but I love the prayer that says “I bow the knee of my heart, beseeching Thy goodness” from the Apocrypha Manasseh 1:11 Prayer of Manasseh https://apocrypha.org/brenton/prayer_of_manasseh/1.htm

 

May your gifts to Him be a prepared heart with gold of obedience and incense of lowliness.